The worst hire in 8 years today!!! And all because they could not find their phone.

All had gone smoothly and I was anxiously waiting for them to finish as I had another hire starting after theirs (with a customary 1 hour minimum gap for time for me to get things perfect).

Ten minutes past so I switch the music off and play the "your time is up" announcement and after that I tentatively go out through the VIP womb into the Dungeon Area and I am confronted by total mayhem!! OH MY GOD... this is going to be a very difficult one to get sorted in time for the next hirers!

“Excuse me, but I have another hire starting in an hour after yours, at 7 pm it’s 15 minutes past 6 now so I am sorry but I must rush you, your hire finished at 6”.

One of them is more or less naked... and seemingly oblivious to any notion that their time is up... they are now both burning my time and potentially effecting the future enjoyment of others.

Button your lip DK... head down and get scrubbing and cleaning.

Much energetic clearing, cleaning, cleansing and tidying... after so many years I am an absolute "Dungeon Master" in this regard, although this is a particular challenge and I shall only be able to rise to it if they get out of my bloody way.

Used condom on carpet... YUK! Time to embarrass them... they deserve it. "There is one of your used condoms on the carpet, can you put it in the bin provided please". 

Actually people like this can’t be embarrassed, they can only be enraged. They are only possessed by thoughts for themselves and have little, if any, consideration for others. 

I later found the condom floating in the toilet.

Better get the disinfectant and scrubbing brush out for that carpet... oh my god they have used the fucking machine, dildo still on it (wonder if they bothered to use a condom with that?).

This is getting more challenging by the minute, perhaps they will help once they are dressed? Yeah and pigs might fly.

"I have lost my phone," it is icily announced as I rush by with a mop in my hand. “It was on the table in the reception room and it’s not there now”. 

Perhaps I stupidly cleared it up with the Nova Pro, CD Player, Microphone, hypno-cds, metronome, hypno-pendant, Light glasses, headphones and assorted tangled leads that were all left scattered all over the table? Reluctantly I open the newly organised hypno box and examine all the contents. No phone in there… I was not surprised. I get the interrogation torch and look carefully all around the table in the dark recesses of the cell beneath.

No phone. I have broken out into quite a sweat now and feel a bit panicky about getting dungeon ready for the next hire.

Only 30 minutes left.

“Well it was on that table before you started tidying it up” comes an accusing voice.

I snap, and those that know me well are aware, that when it happens, it can be quite dramatic.

“Are you accusing me of stealing your phone? I have another hire starting in 30 minutes, your hire finished 30 minutes ago. Perhaps if you had finished on time you would be in better order and you would know where your phone is.”

“I know my phone was on the table in The Reception Room”.

“Well it’s not there now is it? I have to get things ready for the next hire.”.

Perhaps that was the wrong thing to say because they leave, stand outside by the gate and refuse to look any more for it.

“You won’t find it out there!”

I carry on with the mammoth task of clearing up the disgusting detritus of their demented power play and suddenly realise they have not paid the balance remaining on their hire!

Yes you have guessed it…they refuse to pay the balance and remain outside threatening to call the police instead.

My only concern is to get things sorted for the next hire. I am so very stubborn and there is no way in the world that these people are going to effect the pleasure of my next hirers! Divisions of Vice Squad be dammed…

The remaining 15 minutes pass quickly, and at last I am finally setting the incense sticks. Will I have time for a well earned coffee? No way, the bell is ringing, it’s 7 pm and the first hirers are no where to be seen.

Good Riddance!

I try to regain my composure and give the introductory tour to the new arrivals and when we enter the Chamber of Dreams there on the bed is a black IPhone with a dark green border perfectly camouflaged in the black shiny PVC covers!

Huh!! I am so very pleased with myself… I was beginning to feel guilty about that bloody phone!

OK Hirers… moral of the story?

Keep Calm and Carry On.

The phone is locked and pass word protected, I email them but maybe they only can access emails on that I phone! I Google “what can I do with a lost I Phone? Try it… some interesting information out there. I discover I Phones have voice control and this works with data retrieval even when it’s locked. With this technique I find the number of the partner of the hire (using his name) and call them using my phone and explain where I found the phone.

Do they apologise? Do they say thank you.? No to both…  I arrange a time for them to come and collect the phone and tell them I expect an apology.

Will I get one? Will I get my Balance?

I know a lot of people reading this will think I am soft in the head. They are probably right. In truth what I would love to do is ram the I Phone down their barstard throats and then kick them both over the balcony

Alas I would end up spending the last few years of my life in prison if I did that… I think it best I don’t do that.

I got the balance and they got their phone, I did get an apology but only after an insult saying I was acting a “bit demented”.

Lucky I didn't kick ‘em over the balcony then init?